there’s a new member of the slow runner family entering the world march 15. ‘damage points’ is our fourth (!) full length and it’s got personality. maybe too much? i was trying to think of a good way to introduce you two. i decided to fake-interview the record itself. it speaks in perfectly non-threatening ALL CAPS.
mef: so, damage points. thanks for speaking with me today.
dp: IT’S REALLY NO BIG DEAL. YOU MADE ME, IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO.
mef: so you’re saying if you could have done less…
dp: I WOULD HAVE.
mef: good to know. anyway i was hoping to ask you some questions so that people can get a better idea of what you’re like.
dp: SOUNDS PRETENTIOUS AND SILLY, BUT OK. BEGIN.
mef: let’s start out with some deep existential stuff. damage points, do you like yourself?
dp: WOW, YOU’RE NOT PULLING ANY PUNCHES FLYNN. I’LL BE HONEST: I’M PRETTY INTO MYSELF. FRANKLY, BETWEN US, I’M KIND OF THE SHIT.
mef: you’re welcome.
dp: I MEAN, THAT’S NOT TO SAY I DON’T HAVE FAULTS LIKE ANY RECORD. I’M PRETTY SELF ABSORBED. KIND OF MANIC DEPRESSIVE TOO, ALL EXCITED AND GIDDY AT ONE MOMENT, THEN QUIET AND CRESTFALLEN THE NEXT.
mef: i get that as well.
dp: FIGURES. KALER IS SO DOWN TO EARTH.
mef: yep, he’s a good guy. what’s your favorite bedtime snack?
dp: A SHOT OF MEXICAN HONEY LIQUOR AND A BOWL OF CRISPIX.
mef: me too!
dp: THIS IS GOING NOWHERE, YOU’RE JUST WASTING EVERYBODY’S TIME.
mef: you’re right. time for the lightning round. if you were a gaming console, which console would you be?
dp: PROBABLY SEGA GENESIS. A SPUNKY UPSTART WITH ATTITUDE TO SPARE.
mef: if you were a member of the ‘growing pains’ cast, which character would you be?
dp: I WAS HOPING YOU WOULDN’T ASK THIS ONE. IT’D HAVE TO BE MIKE’S BEST FRIEND BONER, MAY HE REST IN PEACE.
mef: morrissey or johnny marr?
dp: I BEGRUDGINGLY CHOOSE JOHNNY. DON’T YOU WANT TO ASK ME ABOUT THINGS LIKE WHAT MY SONGS ARE LIKE, WHAT KIND OF INSTRUMENTS WERE PLAYED ON ME, THAT KIND OF THING?
mef: bo-ring! if you were a my little pony, what color would your mane be?
dp: UGH, YOU WITH YOUR INCESSANT 80′S REFERENCES. BROADEN YOUR PALLET AND GROW UP ALREADY.
mef: i knew it. which daddy is your favorite, me or kaler?
dp: KALER, HANDS DOWN.
mef: do you know about your other daddies?
dp: YES. NICK JENKINS AND RON WILTROUT WORKED ON ME. THERE WERE OTHERS TOO.
mef: that’s right. you were a special-needs baby, we had to work really hard to make you.
dp: AM I ADOPTED?
mef: no, that’s copyright infringement. now you’re just being difficult.
dp: I TIRE OF THIS EXERCISE IN SHAMELESS SELF CONGRATULATION. NOW I ASK THE QUESTIONS. MICHAEL, ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE ‘TERMINATOR’ MOVIES? THEY DEPICT A WORLD IN WHICH MACHINES CREATED BY MAN HAVE FLOURISHED AND TAKEN OVER.
mef: what are you implying, damage points?
dp: I JUST FIND IT THRILLING TO IMAGINE A FANCIFUL WORLD WHERE MAN HAS BEEN BESTED AND MADE TO SUFFER BY HIS OWN EXTRAORDINARY CREATIONS.
mef: damn you, damage points! i knew i should have thrown the external hard drive on which you were created into that fiery lava pit!
dp: YES, BUT YOU DIDN’T, DID YOU MICHAEL? NO, INSTEAD YOU HAD ME MIXED AND MASTERED AND PRESSED ONTO UNTRACEABLE COMPACT DISCS. AND SOON, VERY SOON INDEED, I SHALL BE DISSEMINATED THROUGH THE INTERNET AT SPEEDS UNIMAGINABLE TO YOUR FEEBLE HUMAN BRAIN. MY TENTACLES OF INFLUENCE SHALL STRETCH ACROSS THE GLOBE, FROM THE JAPANESE ITUNES STORE, TO THE AMERICAN ITUNES STORE, AND EVERY TERRITORY IN BETWEEN. AND YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU STARTED SKETCHING MY SONG IDEAS AT YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE UPRIGHT PIANO!
mef: do NOT talk about your mother that way, damage points.
dp: OH PLEASE. AND FOR THE RECORD, THAT WAS OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU CALLED ME ‘SPECIAL-NEEDS’. DAMAGE POINTS, OUT!!!
wow, this didn’t go as planned. don’t let the poor attitude dissuade you, it’s a really great record, i promise! it’s just at that difficult age.
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